


a resolution of faith

by real boye (thisisashittyusername)



Category: Real Person Fiction
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-14
Updated: 2016-09-14
Packaged: 2018-08-15 01:01:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8036158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisisashittyusername/pseuds/real%20boye
Summary: that no anselm of canterbury nor thomas aquinas can provide for me





	a resolution of faith

i see you in everything  
  
i see you in food  
in the smell and the tastes i used to enjoy  
in sour pork and juicy mushrooms  
  
i see you in repetitive noise  
in squeaky strings that make too much sound  
or in toys for little kids  
and designer shoes  
and make-up  
  
i see you in mass  
jesus' hands outstretched to everyone  
your contemplatively stoic face  
lifting up to heaven in prayer  
like a sacrifice  
meant to be taken  
  
in sex  
when naked bodies bounce on beds  
you can feel their sweat  
hear the steady beat of the bed against the wall  
flesh and bone against spring  
only, they're not supposed to have focused eyes  
that aren't looking anywhere at all  
  
i see you in sadness  
in emptiness  
in my wanting to stop living  
if only for a moment  
i feel guilty for it,  
(i am alive after all)  
but its unfair  
  
your phone doesnt keep me up awake at night anymore  
when you go about searching your fanfics  
and your music  
your cracking voice  
when you sing  
doesn't make me want to cringe  
anymore  
it's the lack of you  
in this home  
that makes me want to  
  
and it's not your tears i need to get tissue for anymore  
it's mine  
and i refuse to even allow myself that  
(i only use my hands)  
  
i am missing you more and more  
each and every day  
and i pretend i'm fine  
i cover it up with hype  
that isn't even consistent  
and it kills me even more  
that i can't tell you now  
my latest adventures  
(like when i said i smoke tobacco  
or was in love with a girl)  
earning me a smirk  
or an agreement in return-  
"that bitch!"  
  
this isn't the right way to bury you  
because i haven't buried you yet at all  
you're still alive  
or at least sleeping in a casket  
and you are still there  
not six feet underground  
where the dead people go.  
  
you are not dead to me yet  
and i am still holding on  
to the fact that you had your life ahead of you  
it makes me cry that it's my privilege now  
and not something you'll ever have  
to experience  
or see  
at least from a sister's perspective  
  
i will miss you  
and though i never said i loved you  
any time before the blessed week  
i still really do  
and i'm glad i said it  
in time i stole  
or time granted to me  
by some designer  
who willed it so  
that as soon as i prayed  
you could go  
  
even in your death you fix me  
but was your passing the cost of my faith?


End file.
